Developer News 3/32/17
Apr 1, 2017 0:02:52 GMT -5
ShutUpAndSmokeMyWeed, miscanthus, and 10 more like this
Post by Strayed on Apr 1, 2017 0:02:52 GMT -5
Gaming industry Baffled By Dev's Incredible Ability To ?firetruck? Up Every Time
MOSCOWâIndustry veterans at Mail.ru confirmed Monday they remain completely baffled by Russian company Pixonic, who possesses an extraordinary and previously undocumented ability to ?firetruck? everything up.
According to Dev. William Moore, head of a research team studying exactly how Pixonic manages to drop the 「gosh darn 」 ball every single time, the 8-year old Game Development Company represents a major conundrum for the industry.
"We've never seen these amounts of salt in a company before," said Moore, adding that Pixonic invariably messes up matchmaking, fails to communicate with their player base properly, and runs out of server space at prime times." Probability dictates that even the biggest ?firetruck?ups should occasionally get things right, if only by accident. But not Pixonic. We observed them fixing a matchmaker in 72 experimental trials, and 72 times they ended up with a playerbase composed 80% of tankers."
"Seriously, how does anyone screw up a matchmaker?" Moore added.
In their attempt to study the development mechanisms required to perform such simple tasks with so little competence, researchers were unable to use standard analytical techniques, as Pixonic inadvertently caused the analysis program to develop sentience and genocidal tendencies, which the researchers then had to shut down.
As a result, Moore's team opted for a passive approach and eventually discovered that Pixonic was capable of ?firetruck?ing things up even when they appeared to be doing nothing: When making minor fixes to game balance, they would constantly add an extra zero, making previously underpowered items excessively overpowered.
"Our theory is that Pixonic approaches ?firetruck?ing up on an organizational level, their organizational charts automatically creating a fractal model of screwing the pooch that is not unlike the infinite images contained within facing mirrors," Moore said. "If Pixonic has to make a new bot, for example, they begin with a simple ?firetruck?up, such as accidentally giving it super speed, an ancile shield, and three mediums. Then, instead of starting back from the beginning the way an average company would, they instinctively plow forward, creating concentric rings of ?firetruck?ing-it-up within their original mistake until eventually, the bot has a physical shield, the health of a heavy, the firepower of a heavy, the speed of a light, and their server crashes."
Pixonic reportedly first came to the gaming community's attention late January when, in a simple attempt to fix the matchmaker, they pitted complete noobs against their strongest players.
After using powerful computer models to map the enormously complex series of ?firetruck?ups necessary for a company to have accomplished this, researchers obtained the address of Pixonic's Moscow company and later tracked them down in an emergency room to which one coder had just been admitted following hurting his hand after smashing it against the keyboard repeatedly.
Where this one company's massive cluster?firetruck?s originate is still a mystery, but industry veterans have hypothesized that each individual ?firetruck?up may compound itself exponentially, expanding in every conceivable direction until a given feature is no longer salvageable. Moore said this phenomenon is most evident when Pixonics interacts with their player base, their lack of speaking and inability to understand their consumers simultaneously evoking rage, confusion, revulsion, and indignation.
"Have you ever seen anything like it?" a visibly bemused Moore said while showing reporters a post in which Pixonic, attempting to impress a player, blames all of their problems on their customers' "human nature". "Unbelievable."
Moore admitted that it might be years before we unravel the full workings of Pixonic's organizational structure, due in large part to delays caused by their subject's inability to not convert a simple program into a genocidal sentient AI.
Despite all the attention their unique organizational attributes have garnered, Pixonic, for their part, remains humble. According to the ?firetruck?up savant, their exceptional aptitude doesn't make them feel particularly special or different.
"I don't know, okay? I just do it somehow," Pixonic's rep said. "Now can you please call the janitor or a locksmith or do something to get me out of here?"
MOSCOWâIndustry veterans at Mail.ru confirmed Monday they remain completely baffled by Russian company Pixonic, who possesses an extraordinary and previously undocumented ability to ?firetruck? everything up.
According to Dev. William Moore, head of a research team studying exactly how Pixonic manages to drop the 「gosh darn 」 ball every single time, the 8-year old Game Development Company represents a major conundrum for the industry.
"We've never seen these amounts of salt in a company before," said Moore, adding that Pixonic invariably messes up matchmaking, fails to communicate with their player base properly, and runs out of server space at prime times." Probability dictates that even the biggest ?firetruck?ups should occasionally get things right, if only by accident. But not Pixonic. We observed them fixing a matchmaker in 72 experimental trials, and 72 times they ended up with a playerbase composed 80% of tankers."
"Seriously, how does anyone screw up a matchmaker?" Moore added.
In their attempt to study the development mechanisms required to perform such simple tasks with so little competence, researchers were unable to use standard analytical techniques, as Pixonic inadvertently caused the analysis program to develop sentience and genocidal tendencies, which the researchers then had to shut down.
As a result, Moore's team opted for a passive approach and eventually discovered that Pixonic was capable of ?firetruck?ing things up even when they appeared to be doing nothing: When making minor fixes to game balance, they would constantly add an extra zero, making previously underpowered items excessively overpowered.
"Our theory is that Pixonic approaches ?firetruck?ing up on an organizational level, their organizational charts automatically creating a fractal model of screwing the pooch that is not unlike the infinite images contained within facing mirrors," Moore said. "If Pixonic has to make a new bot, for example, they begin with a simple ?firetruck?up, such as accidentally giving it super speed, an ancile shield, and three mediums. Then, instead of starting back from the beginning the way an average company would, they instinctively plow forward, creating concentric rings of ?firetruck?ing-it-up within their original mistake until eventually, the bot has a physical shield, the health of a heavy, the firepower of a heavy, the speed of a light, and their server crashes."
Pixonic reportedly first came to the gaming community's attention late January when, in a simple attempt to fix the matchmaker, they pitted complete noobs against their strongest players.
After using powerful computer models to map the enormously complex series of ?firetruck?ups necessary for a company to have accomplished this, researchers obtained the address of Pixonic's Moscow company and later tracked them down in an emergency room to which one coder had just been admitted following hurting his hand after smashing it against the keyboard repeatedly.
Where this one company's massive cluster?firetruck?s originate is still a mystery, but industry veterans have hypothesized that each individual ?firetruck?up may compound itself exponentially, expanding in every conceivable direction until a given feature is no longer salvageable. Moore said this phenomenon is most evident when Pixonics interacts with their player base, their lack of speaking and inability to understand their consumers simultaneously evoking rage, confusion, revulsion, and indignation.
"Have you ever seen anything like it?" a visibly bemused Moore said while showing reporters a post in which Pixonic, attempting to impress a player, blames all of their problems on their customers' "human nature". "Unbelievable."
Moore admitted that it might be years before we unravel the full workings of Pixonic's organizational structure, due in large part to delays caused by their subject's inability to not convert a simple program into a genocidal sentient AI.
Despite all the attention their unique organizational attributes have garnered, Pixonic, for their part, remains humble. According to the ?firetruck?up savant, their exceptional aptitude doesn't make them feel particularly special or different.
"I don't know, okay? I just do it somehow," Pixonic's rep said. "Now can you please call the janitor or a locksmith or do something to get me out of here?"
