WE WON! Pixonic Press Release:

Gaming industry Baffled By Dev's Incredible Ability To ?firetruck? Up Every Time

MOSCOW—Industry veterans at Mail.ru confirmed Monday they remain completely baffled by Russian company Pixonic, who possesses an extraordinary and previously undocumented ability to ?firetruck? everything up.

According to Dev. William Moore, head of a research team studying exactly how Pixonic manages to drop the 「gosh darn 」 ball every single time, the 8-year old Game Development Company represents a major conundrum for the industry.

"We've never seen these amounts of salt in a company before," said Moore, adding that Pixonic invariably messes up matchmaking, fails to communicate with their player base properly, and prices bots at $300" Probability dictates that even the biggest ?firetruck?ups should occasionally get things right, if only by accident. But not Pixonic. We observed them fixing a matchmaker in 72 experimental trials, and 72 times they ended up with a playerbase composed 80% of tankers."

"Seriously, how does anyone screw up a matchmaker?" Moore added.

In their attempt to study the development mechanisms required to perform such simple tasks with so little competence, researchers were unable to use standard analytical techniques, as Pixonic inadvertently caused the analysis program to develop sentience and attempt to charge the scientists $300 for each use, which the researchers then had to shut down.

As a result, Moore's team opted for a passive approach and eventually discovered that Pixonic was capable of ?firetruck?ing things up even when they appeared to be doing nothing: When making minor fixes to game balance, they would constantly add an extra zero, making previously underpowered items excessively overpowered.

"Our theory is that Pixonic approaches ?firetruck?ing up on an organizational level, their organizational charts automatically creating a fractal model of screwing the pooch that is not unlike the infinite images contained within facing mirrors," Moore said. "If Pixonic has to make a new bot, for example, they begin with a simple ?firetruck?up, such as accidentally making it $300 and pissing off their entire playerbase. Then, instead of starting back from the beginning the way an average company would, they instinctively plow forward, creating concentric rings of ?firetruck?ing-it-up within their original mistake until eventually, the bot takes 1000 years to earn through normal means, costs more for experienced players than new players to buy with RM, and their server crashes due to the amount of tankers."

Pixonic reportedly first came to the gaming community's attention late Septemper when, adding in a single new bot, they priced it at $300, alienating most, if not all of their playerbase.

After using powerful computer models to map the enormously complex series of ?firetruck?ups necessary for a company to have accomplished this, researchers obtained the address of Pixonic's Moscow company and later tracked them down in an emergency room to which one customer support technician had just been admitted following hurting her hand after smashing it against the keyboard repeatedly in an attempt to type: "How dare you".

Where this one company's massive cluster?firetruck?s originate is still a mystery, but industry veterans have hypothesized that each individual ?firetruck?up may compound itself exponentially, expanding in every conceivable direction until a given situation is no longer salvageable by the PR department. Moore said this phenomenon is most evident when Pixonic interacts with their player base, their lack of speaking and inability to understand their consumers simultaneously evoking rage, confusion, revulsion, indignation, and the lack of another $300 in their wallet.

"Have you ever seen anything like it?" a visibly bemused Moore said while showing reporters a post in which Pixonic, attempting to get customers to buy a $300 bot, blames all of their problems on their customers' dislike for pay to win mechanics. "Unbelievable."

Moore admitted that it might be years before we unravel the full workings of Pixonic's organizational structure, due in large part to delays caused by their subject's inability to not attempt to fleece money from their customers at every single turn.

Despite all the attention their unique organizational attributes have garnered, Pixonic, for their part, remains humble. According to the ?firetruck?up savant, their exceptional aptitude doesn't make them feel particularly special or different.

"I don't know, okay? I just do it somehow," Pixonic's rep said. "Now can you please pay me $300 or do something to get me out of here?"

zer00eyz
There's no rules against dumping on Pix, nor satire. It's usually when two or more people start being irrational cornholes to one another that talking about Pixo gets someone in trouble. (That includes talking in circles+derailing a thread fot pages)

The admins and mods made this forum for people that loved the game, and put more time and energy into it than anyone, for 「fluffernutter」ing free at that. If anyone is to be pissed here, it's them. It's not like Pixo's official forums failed or anyth...owait....

Feels like we're getting cornholed lmao